Well I was able to go back to sleep after an hour of internet. I had another set of weird dreams, though I can barely remember the details. Sunday, time to kick back and relax (yeah, as if I had anywhere to go during the weekdays!). My daughter is watching sesame street videos in youtube, and I'm sitting right next to her busy with my own computer. I told myself I'd try not to nap today and see if I can sleep straight the whole night again like the other night. Maybe the trick is not to get
i feel so anxious right now. i'm tired of everyone saying bad stuff about me. my back hurts. i'm scared. this time tomorrow night i will be living with 3 strangers. i'm not properly packed yet. i want to fall asleep and never wake up again. i'm alone. and very confused. i don't want to feel like this anymore. i don't know how to make myself better.
It's a quarter to three now here, still pretty dark. I had an awful dream. I dreamed that it was night and I was the only girl left inside the bus. I thought I was going to get raped but when we reached the terminal, a girl there tried to snatch my bag instead. I think I awoke right after that because I couldn't remember anything more. Actually that isn't my entire dream. I left out a lot of things that happened before I got on the bus because writing is such an effort for me. That's why
ok so all i got to do is keep myself alive til sunday. i'm moving sunday night after work. then i'll give college a shot and see if it helps or not. if it doesn't, i dunno what will happen. and i'll try be nicer to myself too. i don't really know how to be nice to me though.. everything seems so out of control right now. summer holidays are torture... i wonder will next summer be as bad.. i wish i didn't care so much about what other people think of me.. it makes me feel bad about myself if i th
Yesterday I didn't take my usual afternoon nap. And I did more than the usual chores. Evening came and I could hardly wait for bedtime. My thighs felt so heavy from exhaustion (I think my whole body felt heavy but it was in my thighs that I felt it the most). I laid myself on our sofa amidst the clutter of my daughter's toys and it felt so good just to lie there. My girl didn't like it one bit and she tried her best to get me to sit up and pay attention to her. We went to bed just a littl
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i just put up a post and i feel so stupid isound like a pathetic retard, i cant even edit it,somebody kindly replied and i feel so dumb! i wish i could keep my mouth shut i dont know why i do it, i dont even know why i post even in here i just talk shit and half the time dont even know how to say things properly. when i said my life is like a soap opera i wasnt joking lol for somebody who has nobody i have one weird fcked up life,i have a son who was a father 3 weeks after he turned 16 his g/f h
Well, couldn't stay asleep again... I have guilt regarding my daughter. This evening I was too sleepy/lazy to read her a story. She even reminded me: "Mommy read story." But because I didn't want to get up to turn on the light and get the book, I just told her I'd read her a story in the morning. Well, I woke up and found that my daughter had gotten the book from across our dark room and it was now lying next to her while she slept. I don't want to do that again to her. I'll make it up to
im so sick of all this crap and this crappy life and if that sounds self pitiful and makes me a liar then so what! i dont care anymore. i have so much stuff going on right now that i think im going to explode my life is like a soap opera ..oh wait no it cant be ..in soap operas they have friends,go to the local visit each other and screw around all the time, ah fck it im going to get pssed, forget the calories i'll hate myself tomorrow (what? and i dont right now lol) but who the fck cares...i
Today marked 1 month since my brothers death. He did something that was so selfish. I'm still so hurt and angry with him!!! He's left everyone to pick up the pieces. And failed to take anyones needs into consideration, except for his own. How are we suppose to feel? How are his kids suppose to pick up and continue on with life without their dad? I know he didn't intentionally do it, but it is by his hands that this happened. We have all begged him to straighten up. I hate him so much for doing t
well it was procrastination on the account that I have other work to do urgently and find ways to not do it, but at any rate. I clean my very dirty place and feel somewhat good about it. So better than nothing done.
I am so bothered by the fact that none of my friends are keeping in touch with me anymore. And I only have a handful of friends. I have been the one calling up. Why can't I receive a phone call for a change? My husband at least has one friend that calls him often. Am I obsessing again? What's wrong with me??? :confused: Do I need another cognitive reframing about how friends behave? I am so let down by my friends... Well, there is at least one friend who still messages me online, but she's
Well, I've faltered again in my goals (house chores) for today. It's early morning here and again I couldn't stay asleep. I asked around online about choir groups that I can join and earn extra income from. One of my college mates suggested I look for wedding organizers. I haven't done that yet. Boy, it seems harder to write down stuff...
i hate when someone says they're your friend when really they don't want you as a friend. i don't feel like any of my "friends" really want me around. i feel invisible when i'm with them. maybe i should change my name back to invisible. the only true friends i have are you guys on this site i think.. at least ye are interested in listening to me. it sucks when someone you thought was a friend turns out to not be your friend. even my cousin doesn't seem to want me around and i would've considered
Couldn't sleep again. I faltered a bit on the dish washing the past few days. And the living room is dirtier than ever. Our neighbor's kids were just there this evening and my daughter had a great time with them. I didn't try to straighten up afterward, because I had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to finish, and I didn't want that. It was either I do it or I don't do it at all. Perhaps it's another sign of my OCD. Later after I look around this forum, I might decide to clean up, if I s
i wish i could make myself better. i wish i was better at talking and writing about how i feel. i wish i could find a way to talk about what i keep trying to talk about. i wish someone cared about me enough to notice when i'm sad. i wish i didn't have to pretend i'm happy all the time. i wish i could be reborn and start life all over again. i wish everything didn't hurt so much.
Well, I recently passed a kind of semi-anniversary, I guess. It was six months on August 25th that I've been separated from my wife. What a mind-expanding and life-altering time it's been. No, not fun. There are still things that are out of balance. I have no living room furniture, still, for instance. Sure, money's tight, but that's not really the reason. I think I'm afraid to settle in because I see this place as temporary. I just don't know for sure what's next. But, and I do think it'
I've made another goal for me, which is to daily minimize the pile of dirty dishes in the sink before going to bed at night. I've made this goal a few days ago, and so far I've improved the situation. I know this is a big help to my husband, who does the cooking most of the time. And sometimes, he cooks and then does all the dishes as well. I'm changing that now.
i really do have butterflies in my tummy.. i can feel them fluttering around. i'm getting very anxious about moving out.. i think i'll miss it here. and i'll miss my family. and i'll miss having a garden.. i don't think i want to move out anymore:( i'll be all alone when i go and i'll have noone. i want the butterflies to be gone..!!
i'm scared. i don't think i'll ever be able to get better. it scares me how fast my mood goes up and down. i can't stop it from happening. even if i start therapy that won't make me better because i'm not able to put my feelings into words. i can't even write them down here. that's how stupid i am. i don't even know how to help myself so how can anyone else help me? i'm broken and i can't be fixed. i feel so sad but i don't even know why i'm sad right now. everything's so mixed up inside me and
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It's evening now. 10:19 PM. Well, I made a small goal for myself today. I cleaned our toilet. So even though I spent the entire afternoon asleep with my daughter, at least I was able to accomplish that. And I was able to wash most of the piled dishes in the sink. And I was able to let my daughter paint (even though it really made our living room messier). Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to clean the living room and wash 10 pieces of clothes.
