I feel like I'm loosing control. I have no place to go. No one to turn to. I'm not sure how much more I can take! The stress levels are rising. I've been injuring for so long.. Will it ever end? I wish I was able to talk about it. Instead, I feel like I'm trapped, alone, with my own worst enemy. And sometimes, it's just not worth it to try anymore.
Well, Y is over me. I am not over him. I know why. It has nothing to do with him really. Being with him was a way to feel safe. Like I had accomplished something. My desire to be with a partner. Of course I liked him, but there's more to this than that. It was a way to look forward to something that I found exciting. Something that responded to one of my deepest needs. Now what. Yah, back to alone. But not entirely by myself. Finally, my tactics, although the improvements are minimal, have work
It was a good day for my husband yesterday. Both his sister and his father came to visit. His father was very encouraging as he gave us advice on improving our life situation. His own life had been hard, since he separated from his wife and took on a second family. But he said that with hard work and a LOT of patience, we can make it. We just have to take chances and not be afraid.
It's still early in the morning. Couldn't stay asleep anymore and I have an ache behind the eyes. We're back here in our home since yesterday. My husband is now 36 years old, as I will be in a month's time. Aside from the two second-hand shorts I bought him, our coming back home is the best birthday present that we could ever give him.
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today was an awful day. i went shopping with my family. never again. the whole car journey up and down was awful. you know who kept shooting dirty looks at me. she was probably complaining about me aswel. i just couldn't hear because i was listening to my i-pod. it was a bad bad day.i'm tired of her constantly nagging me. she won't leave me alone. i'm tired of having to hide in my room. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired of feeling the same way everyday and i'm tired of typing the same t
i think my laptop is broken:( it won't turn on... (i'm on the family computer right now) i hope it fixes soon or else i won't be able to come on much anymore..............:( i'm going to get in so much trouble if it's broke
Back to reality in a few days. I gotta look forward to it, see it as another chance to improve the home, make things better for my family. My husband's birthday is coming up soon, and we're gonna be there for him.
Some little updates. First, I didn't talk to my friend's boss yet. don't know what to say and I am a bit scared. I haven't seen Y in 3 weeks now. I'm doing ok about it but still wish I could see him. We all know why. Needy, needy. I went for a bike ride with one of my good friends the other day. And then hung out with her for a little bit at her place. For some reason we got onto the subject of our childhood. She told me she got beaten up to when she was a kid, and that her little sister, who
well...today has been another horrible day. i really really really don't want to feel like this anymore. i'm tired of feeling. i'm tired of living. nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that used to make me happy. I'm scared. because i'm not so sure if there really is a way out of these feelings other than killing myself. i don't want to be like this forever. i don't want to be on my own or to be invisible anymore. i feel lonely all the time and noone wants me, not even me, and tha
So Here I am. Nothing pleases me again. I try to take myself out of this rut, but don't try hard enough. I am ansy. Don't know what to do for work. I sort of push people away by being needy. I don't have energy. Today and yesterday, I tried a list of gratefulness and shutting down any thoughts of negativity towards myself. But I still feel so lonely. I want to talk and talk to someone. But who. And when I am with someone, I want to leave again. Yesterday, I talked to my mom and she was helpful
i had a nice day today and i feel kinda good for a change!!! i think maybe it's because i got proper sleep last night.. i feel verrrrry peaceful:) i went outside a little while ago and sat in the dark and it felt reallllly good because there was a nice breeze and it wasn't raining. and then i had ice-cream:D and that made me feel even better!!! i hope tomorrow is a good day, it's my last day off work until nexxxxxt week... tomorrow is an important day, i find out for definite whether i have a pl
It's not worth it to pursue people who is not interested in you enough to keep in touch. Surprisingly, the people who were keeping in touch with me were the people I didn't expect to. I'm obsessing about this I guess. Maybe I should make a plan and go out and find new friends, real friends. I can't stay cooped up in the house all the time. What will I teach my daughter? That you can't have friends who care about you?
Couldn't stay asleep again, so I decided to blog. I'm going to sms/text my friend/daughter's godmother and see if she replies. I've been e-mailing her but she hasn't responded to any of my e-mails. I'm becoming so disappointed with this "friend" because she hasn't kept in touch for more than a year now I think. She didn't even ask about her goddaughter. I sent her photos of my girl via e-mail in the hopes of getting her to contact me. I'm so disappointed. And she is supposed to be one of my
So, to respond to you finding, I am ok, all in all. I am still sad. I still want Y. Even if he rejected me just like that. Which means he's not right for me. I hope it goes away soon this feeling of wanting what I can have. It's surely not healthy. I still feel like I f* it up for being too needy and not self-confident. And I saw him last saturday, and he ignored me. I felt angry and I grabbed his arm and said hey, hi!!!! He was drunk and said it wasn't the best time to talk. he was trying to
Well, it's four in the morning and I'm already here in my parents' house. My daughter is sleeping so peacefully (I love watching her sleep). I just came from my psychiatrist yesterday and got my meds adjustment. I also talked to him about therapy and why he hasn't mentioned it to me. He said that although I could certainly benefit from it, I don't HAVE to if it's not financially possible right now. Because therapy is a lot more expensive as I need to see my therapist more often than I do my
i've decided that i'm going to be good from now on!!! i'm going to try be more positive and be healthier, even if that means eating vegetables and giving up ice-cream.. and I'll try not to let my family make me sad anymore and i won't play anymore pranks on them unless they really really deserve it and i'll keep my room tidy and do what i'm told and be a good daughter.. and i'll try not to complain about work as much either, [work is great, i LOVE work!!!]
Well, after all my reflection and obsession over this and trying to see were I went wrong, I just come to the simple cliche conclusion that you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. My omelette is now done. I may eat it alone for now but it's better than walking on eggshells. I asked. got an answer. It may not be what I wanted but it was apparent all along that it would come to this. better now then later. He was right in a way. He can't give me what I want, even if it might be so easy cu
You know, amid the swirl and pain of this place, there's also a peace. Someone coming back and laughing with you, after you spent an evening talking them out of their depression. Someone learning to talk, after a lifetime enduring in silence. Someone turning from acrimony and debate to reach out a hand to someone, instead. The grief and horrors, the pain, the despair and the anger, they all pass. The peace is what remains. I wish you all peace, today and every day.
well, my cuckoo blog is gettin kinda old so i figured I better start a new one... I'm glad that today was sunny! I like the sun. I spent a little while outside today trying to make shapes out of the clouds.. that was fun, but then it got kinda cold so i came back inside.. today was mostly a good day and my family and i got along more than usual but now I'm starting to feel a little sad.. not because anyone was mean to me or anything like that, but because they were nicer to me than usual. I feel
Hi folks... Hope you bloggies are well, my good friends and explorers of the mind... Well, I just want to bounce ideas with you about this letter I am thinking of writing to Y. I probably will not send it, but just so to get your opinion as to 'am I off the tracks?", thinking right? too much? anyway, let me know what you think... here goes: well, I got your email. Y, I did receive your email. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. For the sake of clarity I will now. More bizarre things have happened... I
What is it with this day? It's been raining all day, my baby girl skipped her afternoon nap, and just an hour ago, she was throwing a tantrum like someone possessed because she didn't want to go to sleep. It was like something went out of wack that ruined her sleep schedule. Come to think of it, she and I both woke up late this morning, and things haven't been normal for us since. I didn't get much done today (well, on this day much more so). We were watching the funeral mass for Cory Aqui
