This is moment number five. When I was in college, I never had a boyfriend. I did have some 'moments' with guys, but never a true relationship. I did like this boy in high school who was the 'president' of the school and tried to get him even though we didn't have the same circle of friends, but he knew my best friend Isa. He liked biking, as I did, was cute, smart, a lot of girls liked him... I liked him! So, I started saying 'hi' but was really shy... didn't know what to say to him. We never
This is defining moment Number FOUR. When I was about twelve, my 'best' friend M told me she couldn't be my friend anymore. She said she was moving up in the world, wanted to be an actress and needed to be around cooler and prettier girls. Girls that were more like her. She said, 'well, we can still be friends, but you wont be my real friend. I wont call you as much, and can't certainly hang around you when there's boys around. Anyway, I'm gonna go to private school now...' I remember her tellin
So here is defining moment Number three: When I was a child, I don't know, 5 I guess, my mom put me in the local community Ballet class. I guess I used to be pigeon toed and the family doc recommended ballet to correct it! Well, that worked out good as I am not walking like this anymore... My parents were nonathletic people to the max, and I was a very physical kid. Always climbing something, running through the fields around the house. I just loved moving. So I did this. tutu and all. My mom I
yah me! hey, speaking of mistakes... Ah! I have those available in bulk, do you want one? I have plenty sigh. So, today I went Kayaking with B and N... I can't stand them together. They take decisions without consulting me, and I really feel like a third wheel. I mean, if they'd be going out together I guess sure, but jeeeez. Anyway, I know this is me still dealing with old stuff in the end. It's pretty clear ovahere folks! So what is it really? It's me feeling excluded. I feel like a child wh
well, went to another bike ride with 200 fellow mountain bikers for the town's Thursday night ride. Saw C there again. I was waiting in line for food and I looked right. He was at the front and was looking at me. my heart was pounding. He smiled at me with a gentle smile, like he use to do, a million years ago, I smiled back and waved, and he just made a motion with is mouth "I have to go' I think he was trying to say, and that was it. He was probably going on a date with this new girl he meet 2
I am ok thank you I belong here I am glad I'm alive I like me My needs are important to me I can feel all my fear and grief I laugh easily and often I can grow at my own pace I love myself and take care of myself willingly I learn this by heart.
Well, I was going to call this "Back in Hell", but in all fairness and an attempt to set an example of looking on the bright side, I do get paid for sitting here, so it's not all bad. There's a topic that has come up several times with different people, today: the attempt to live by the first part of the Hippocratic Oath: "first, do no harm". Unfortunately, it's not possible. Sure, maybe "minimum harm"; no one wants to hurt people deliberately. But the fact is, there's no way to negotiate
"takes one to know one" "bite me" How many people work with you? Oh, About half of them "Let's now take another caller" "You need a good dose of led" "everybody's a comedian" -from C. He's still a funny F*(*& 'I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.' 'hey, I don't work here. I'm just a consultant.' 'I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.' 'And again in English this time' 'up yours' 'I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
10 defining moments... part two: the car in the puddle. Another seemingly insignificant moment in my life was this incident I experienced again when I was about 9. When I was a kid, I worked a lot. My parents, but mostly my dad felt that my brother and I should work hard for what we got. I guess, it probably had to do with the fact that he had a very, very hard life growing up. From what I understand, his family lived way below the north American standards. Anyway, he reasoned that we had it pr
Funny how I went to quite a bit in my life [i may tell the tale at one point. It's not that exciting or even that traumatic comparatively, but anyway...], but the most defining moments, the one that change my perception of life or who I was are sometimes uneventful. Anyway, here goes. 1. When I was 7, my friend S scratch a neighbour's car with a file and I was punished for it too. When I was a kid, I was a very good kid. Never did anything to upset my parents, was never really in trouble. But on
Well, after the cafafel of last Thursday when I saw C and last Wednesday when I was mean to my girlfriend's bf, I went off to my kayak weekend where I was annoyed with N, which was totally predictable... She always correct me when I go" hey can I have one of you beers?", She's like: "please", as if I was a F* child! SSSSSo annoying. even if I am asking someone else! So annoying! I actually told her to F* off. I know, that was a little harsh, but heck, I have told her before that it wasn't ok to
is tiring. confusing, and just plain exhausting. it gets to the point, you just wish it would be over....As my mind goes over the options, my heart races to distraction. I have handled my own illness without going to jail or being hospitalized involuntarily. My daughter (21) is just like me...only worse....youth is wasted o the young. she is clueless. When I was her age I lashed out. angry all the time. She has a huge heart and blames herself (just as I did) for everything around her. I was una
I can't think clearly. my heart is pounding. just beating and beating. like I am running a marathon. yet I am at a standstill. the world is passing my by and I am letting it go.
Finally, my mood has leveled out to normal for 2 days (yesterday & today). How good it feels. It's too soon for the change in dose of one of my meds to have kicked in. I tried to change my thinking to being thankful for the good things and people in my life. I also let my hubby know I just can't keep up with his high energy pace; I become overwhelmed. I believe these things helped quite a bit. It took the pressure off allowing my brain/mind to rest and re-sync. I want to send thank-yous
and admitting what has been going on with my thoughts and feelings is unexplainable. I am unable to express in words because my mind is ALL OVER THE PLACE. My shadows are up close and personal now. I am on auto-pilot about to crash and burn... At this point that is not an unpleasant thought. I have faith that everything will work out as it was meant to, good or bad. I will either survive or not. I just choose to believe EVERYTHING will be okay. For so many years now I have focused on my Mama.
Today has been awful. The main part of our house is still not quite finished from the renovations. Everything is gritty and needs cleaning--absolutely everything. Even clothes, linens, etc. The powdery grit even got through sealed doors. My husband's cousins are coming to sleep over and I'm trying with his help to get everything clean. Plus, he arranged for painters to come on Monday so he's pushing me to make color selections with his help. I know things have to get done but he's pushing me to
Well, work has asked us to take some "voluntary" vacation time in May, and next week is my allotted week. I will still try to come to the site occasionally, but possibly less often than I have been, lately. I find that it's a lot more rewarding to be here than at work, frankly. At least here, people need help, and even thank me for my contributions sometimes. Work just pays me! :-) It's possible that I need to think about a change of career some day.
So, after feeling I don't want to hang out with my best friend this weekend as I feel that a] she's somewhat a bad influence on me in a way: she smokes, doesn't do much sport, likes to go to this seedy bar in her town, with a bunch of younger, drinking, smoking people that I find are wasting my time and my money, my energy too! b] since I don't like her boyfriend who's just so needy, jealous, attention requiring and drunk, and always just wants cigarettes or a free ride, or free drinks, free fo
Oh man. He was there. C_ was there. At the bike ride. f&()(*(&^(*^. After the ride there was beers and he was there. And I hear him talking to some girl who was somewhat pretty. He was like "look at you all good looking or something" and then I felt so little and I was acting like I didn't see him the whole time. I felt so hurt. Now I am crying like a little baby. My room mate is saying: F him, just move on. Do your thing. But I am just here. wallowing in my hurt. Thinking of what it c
:eek:Yesterday I saw my Pdoc. He had the results from my recent bloodwork. He said he is very concerned because my kidney function is less than half of what it should be. Plus my creatinine level is too high which means something is going on with my kidneys--something is actively causing their destruction. I'm only 57 so this is very serious. This news coupled with the bipolar is eating me up. The meds aren't going to help my kidneys any--especially the Lithium. I am totally bummed out, on
Well, the preliminary protective order expired today, assuming she let it, the way she promised (in writing) to do. Supposedly, that means it will disappear from my record as if it never happened. I guess this means I'm not a danger to society any more. Will anything change for me as a result? Probably not. She's still occupying the house, which is okay with me because that means there's someone to maintain it. She has already changed the locks, so unless I change them again, I'm at her mer
So often in the past, even though I knew exactly what my feelings were, especially when I felt hurt or angry, I did not allow myself to express them to others because I felt that they were too strong or unjustified. This has been a real problem: how do I know if I am not going overboard? And what do I do with these feelings? Some say the very difference between using our boundaries as our guidelines for how others should treat us and manipulation, is that with boundaries we let go of the outcome
From my earliest memory I wondered if I really belonged within my family. Learning I was adopted didn't make me feel lucky, it made me feel worry. Where did I come from? Why did my birthmother give me away? as children do, I figured it must have been some flaw in me. I knew I would have to work hard to show I wanted to belong. How does a young child show that? by not crying, not getting upset or angry. always wanting to help out and be a part of things. always wanting to be involved. By the
