1. Sex with Charles 14. I thought I had no choice bu to do this in order to feel as a cool, worthy teenage girl. Because I felt nerdy and not sexy. 1.2. Identify the before and after in your self concept. Which aspect of your self concept was impacted [self confidence, sense of peace, hopes, ambition, joy, love] Before: I felt like an innocent pre-teen girl who had no clue and was nerdy After: I felt like I had lost my innocence. That it didn't really up my self esteem, I realized that I had mad
When I was 21 [i Think], I had unprotected sex with two guys, already. Suddenly, the possibility that I could have AIDS entered my mind and made me extremely sick. I thought about it every night. I had somehow decided that I truly had aids. I couldn't sleep at night and imagine what I would have to do once I had the result and would have to tell people. I imagine losing everyone around me and slowly dying. Becoming extremely sick... I imagined my mom being all sad and disappointed in me. I imag
"Time flies like the wind, But fruit flies like a banana." Another week has passed. Most of it, I spent online having fun when I was supposed to be working. Good thing I fake it well. Having so much fun, in fact, that at times, I barely had time to post a snatch of something to my old friend bloggy. So, time for some reflection. What have I learned recently? I'm a good person. It's getting to the point where I don't even need people to tell me. It's nice if they do, of course, but I no lon
I'm back home with my husband and my daughter. Baby Girl has caught a cold but she seems to be getting better now. Joe and I are okay so far. Me, I try to make sure that I get plenty of rest and that I don't take on too much work around the house. Not that the house is clean already. Oh, faaaaar from it. When I have done all that I can to clean up at a given time, I just stop and tell myself that it's time to move on to other things, like attending to my baby or it's time to nap, etc. Maybe
I am happy now, most of the time. But jeez, sometimes Y's 'jokes' aren't funny. I am seeing my guy tonight... I don't no why I a so on edge. I think I must be getting my periods soon [sorry for the imagery guys]. I have pimple too [ya, still do at my age *sigh*]...clear indication... Anyway, He texted me saying "can't go see Bruno" [ya, we're going to see this stupid movie. Hey, I like my stupid movies. And I do laugh like an idiot to at them. It is what it is...]. So instantly, I say instantly
I'm having a happy night:):) I've decided I don't want to be depressed anymore so I'm going to fight it and do fun things that make me HAPPPPPPYYYYYY instead!!!
Well, it's been a busy social week for me, hasn't it? Tonight, I arranged to drop by my dad's retirement-home apartment for an hour or so, before I go home. I can tell he's been lonely, recently, and I don't call him nearly often enough ... Meh. I have guilt, but that's not why I'm going. I do enjoy getting to talk with him, and lord knows the time is limited. There are just a few awkward moments, because he refuses to stimulate himself much at all, any more. No reading (he used to read all
1. Where are you at this moment in the kitchen 2. How old are you and what do you look like? 16. I look angry. like a bad kid. I was going to say like Jesse James, but I guess that's not funny. 3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you? Mom, bro, and I. I suppose, in a real, somewhat more healthy family, my dad would have been there too. 4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant? It was like the mark of a new era. I thought it was the end of grief. 5. What emot
In this effort to finish this homework for my T.... People, don't read this if you are sensitive about expressing anger towards parents. I am expressing a lot of anger here, so caution. I don't mean to harm anyone. --- When I was 16, my mom announced to my brother and I that she was getting separated from dad. She was crying and all. She said she found a lil 3 bedroom apartment and arrangement would be made for us to move there, well if we wanted to, she said. My bro and I were sitting at the ki
When I was 17, I never had a job before. I felt really really bad about this. All my friends already had summer jobs since they were 12 [like paper delivery] and I felt like a baby. Not that I didn't work... I mean, my dad had put us to work since I was 7 or something. And I was always working, doing homework, didn't have much of a social life, didn't have money. I wanted to get untangled from dad. He was like 'why you need a job for? I have plenty of things to do right here! And you're all take
When I was 18, I decided to go tree planting to BC for a summer. I wanted to do this by myself. My parents always refused to let me do anything significant by myself before that... Or, I refused, was scared...who knows. My mom always said, well when you'll be 18, you can cus you'll be an adult. Let me tell you it didn't fall into the ear of the deaf [french expression i guess here]. Mark the date in my mental calendar. So, I plan everything, and went. In a way, it was a reconnaissance trip... I
Meh, another hurried entry. But I did promise myself. So, I'm running off to have dinner with my wife and her (our) son. It's her birthday, and he's treating. I'm going mostly to see him (I haven't since the split in February), and a little bit to keep the peace going between her and me. Not because I really care that she's a year older ... And I'm afraid I'm letting her manipulate me again; that she's got some kind of plan to get back together; that she's managed to come full circle from ki
When I was 23, I had just finished uni... I felt empty, like I didn't have a future in my field or in anything really. I was bored with it. Even if I did great. And the dean was urging me to do my masters... I felt like there wasn't a point. I didn't know what I would write about. And the last trimester had been extremely difficult. I had lost my long time bf, I was very depressed, and I felt I had no future here. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to get free!!!! I wanted to get away from my p
When I was 16, I made the conscious decision that I wanted to climb, be outdoorsy, instead of hanging always with drug smoking friends. 1. with friends. at this place I don't remember where, but we were watching the godfather. I had smoke with the rest of them, and suddenly, I had what resembled a panic attack. I was shaking and my heart was racing. At that very moment, I thought, I don't want this anymore. I want to do what I always wanted. Climb mountains, and bike. Not this. This is boring a
I have to finish this thing! 1-2. When I was 14, I looked like a kid still. I am with charles. I have decided that I wanted to sleep with him. Cus I wanted a boyfriend. I thought it was the way to go about it. that he would love me. I wanted to experience that as well as I thought, it's time, it's a rare opportunity, and I don't want to fall behind 3. Charles is there with me 4. I lost my virginity, my mom is looking for me and she's scared. I just want my dad not to find me. But I don't feel sa
Well, that word, "growth", always makes me think of my evil twin sister, maligNancy ... But it's the good kind that's happening to me. It just seems to be taking its sweet time. I went out to the Go club last night, and that was fine, but when I got home, I was too wired to want to sleep. So anyway, I shot all my good intentions from (just yesterday?), stayed in bed and ran out without a shower, and still have to stay late at work. But it won't defeat me. I'll go right back to my Tai Ch'i to
Meditation "When you are in such a deep rest that nothing stirs in you, when all action as such ceases, as if you are fast asleep yet awake, you come to know who you are. Suddenly the window opens." When you have learnt the art of being at rest you can be both active and restful together, because then you know that rest is something so inner that it can not be disturbed by anything outer. The activity goes on at the circumference and at the center you remain restful. Arrange your life in such a
Well, it's been a busy day online here, and I'm late getting this posted. So, just a quickie: Over the weekend, I re-dedicated to taking care of myself, keeping clean, doing my Tai Ch'i and meditation, and getting up at a regular time. I solved, or at least alleviated, one financial issue that came up, with the help of my wife, which was fairly nice of her. And I had an instructive encounter with my anxieties. Late this afternoon, I got a call from my manager, could I come to his office for a m
well, we had another date Thursday night. I met him at his place and we took his motorbike that I like. It was my first time on a bike. I was a bit scared. I told him. So he was gentle and rode slowly. I really liked it. At the lil pub, we had wings and beer. We talked. He told me again, in more details, how when he was a kid. His mom beat him up. He asked if I had ever been beaten up. I hesitated to talk. But I did. He said it was a lot more than he wanted to reveal to me at this point. I unde
I feel really really exhausted. I don't know why but I can't seem to sleep anymore.. I just lie awake in bed all night and then I'm always wrecked the next day. Then I had to be up for work at 9 this morning and I was so tired that I had to drink lots and lots of coffee to keep me awake. I feel really angry aswel. It feels like all the anger is gathering up inside me and I'm going to explode because I'm so tired.. It's like there's a storm inside of me. I think I'm gonna cry. and my head hurts r
Yes, I've decided to resume my (almost) daily blog entries. I think I got a bit embarrassed to not be making continuous progress, especially if people I cared about became worried if I was having a bad day. But I'll just have to help them get through their fears, because the exercise of doing this helps me when I do it, and it helps me when I go back later to look at where I've been. What I've been struck by, in the past week or so, is a sudden rush of feelings of all sorts. It's as if the wa
Recently, my life has been resembling a romantic farce on a grand scale. I've been meeting with my wife once or twice a week to discuss the issues remaining for the separation and eventual divorce. Many of these talks side-track into emotional issues, inevitably. With a little distance, we've even been able to talk about these things in an approximately civilized way. That's good, right? One of the issues we've had to decide is whether I'm going to drop the divorce court case that I started s
