Well I spent six days in the "looney bin" as my "loving daughter" refers to it. When she is drinking she lets her true feelings come out. she pretends to support me but she really is very angry at me. she says she hates me...I don't doubt it. I take my meds and feel and act like a zombie. I would rather have the voices and visions.more like energy residuals instead of actually seeing people. they are not scary. I know other people can't see them although they are there.....I still have though
I spent the day by myself. tonight, I read all you guys' posts. thank you. It's weird how you start to see things all dark when stuff's not working out. It's like your brain focuses on the bad stuff. I didn't even know you guys responded. So I dreaded coming back to my blog. I am really scared. I went on a hike on sunday, with my roommate mark and another friend. It was good. a really huge hike. with 1500m elevation gain. yah. so much so that I now also hurt my IT band. it's a chronic injury th
went to physio today. he said by now the shoulder should be much better, which it isn't. He is worried that there may be a tear somewhere. Which would mean surgery. Which would mean, career on hold. the morals of the troop is way low now folks. it's hard to keep a focus in my healthy plan ironically. Even thought I resist the destructive moods and behaviors as much as possible. Continuing analyzing my life, and how I am to turn it around. I know it is possible and there is no need to get that
Well, something tells me I haven't updated this thing lately. Specifically it's me that tells me. I think it's because I feel increasingly as if I'm two different people. Now, I've often said that I feel as if there were different components inside me at the same time: a censor, who tries to keep me out of trouble, probably unnecessarily; a childish part, who would like to have fun if he knew what that was; and "the real me", who unfortunately seems to function mostly as an observer. These
Well, going on a hike again today... and I've heard something preeeetty interesting recently. Like Jaw dropping! My roomate saw C again at a race, and he went to check on him, as he likes to evaluate if a guy is good for me or not [he's like a big brother to me], anyway, he told me "T, I don't think this is the guy for you", of course I was like "why, he's too cwwwoooool and too in shape and healthy for me?", Mark was like "no, heck no! he was drunk AGAIN, after the race, and then he was chit ch
So, as I said, I had a good weekend with friends. A party, which was good to see old friends at, from my old work. I was doing well for a bit, just keeping with the hiking program, then for some reason, today, I just started feeling crappy again. Oh, hum I watch 'the reader', whixh is a good movie, but made me cry, I guess that didn't really help... and then: Ok, I started reading this book that my friend lended me : "why men marry bitches". I had started to see this guy last week, and turns o
I just want to say THANK YOU! to everyone who has helped me on this site and I think ye are all amazing and I really don't know what I would've done if I didn't have ye to talk to. Thanks for replying to my posts even though I've been so whiny and stubborn lately... I wish ye happiness in the future.
I Can't live anymore. I feel too bad. I can't deal with it anymore. it's too hard. Everything is wrong and nothing is right. I can't fix anything. I keep doing bad things and I'm sorry. I'm just in the way. everyone would be better off without me. There's no point to my life. I hurt.
Well, the shoulder is healing. Slowly. But healing. Still concerned. Trying to keep on doing my little exercises. Sadly, another guy who works with me separated his shoulder snowboarding [yes, we can still snowboard in these parts...]. He's just 24 so his shoulder should heel quickly. And I don't know if it's his working arm or not. Hopefully not. My company had their monthly 'safety meeting' Friday I guess, and the girl from the office was asking people to be careful in their activities, not t
OMG, this hasn't happen to me in a while now. As I write this, I am having a bout of anxiety. And I am not quite sure why. Maybe it's because I can't go to the local bike race tonight because of my shoulder? I am not at ease because I don't know what to do with my night, and tomorrow... I don't want to be alone. Ok, tonight I will not be alone. I am having dinner with one of my best friend "M". Maybe I'm having fear of set backs in my biking? Not that it was going that well to begin with. I uf
Sorry if I am posting like a maniac ovahere, but I just feel like I need to keep a record for myself over this obsession I have for this guy. It is pretty disturbing to me [and it is a weakness that I need to repair for myself!]. I started counting how many times a day I still think of him, and it isn't pretty. I think about him, or about how I am going to 'impress' him, or how Im going to get over him [...] ahlala. Well, yesterday, it was about 10 times folks. Everytime, I go 'STOP', in my mind
A little update on the shoulder situation: All is good so far. It's getting better. I still feel pain, but nothing like in the first few days. It's slowly gaining strenght. Soon I should be able to do the rehab type of exercises that were prescribed by the dr and that I found on the net in more details. I still feel stressed a bit and try and hang out as much as I can with my friends so I don't get all bugged out at home along, wallowing in my own thoughts of disaster...as I have been known to d
I'm finding life very hard at the moment. Everything is changing and I can't handle it. Why come whenever something good happens to me it always has to end?? I don't want to be alive any more. It's too hard. I'm so confused - I don't know what direction I should be heading in. My heart feels sad:(
so, I called my boss on saturday, but he never called back, so, maybe he just wanted to deal with it today. I hope all goes well. The shoulder still hurts. I've got a paper from the doc... sigh. I jut hope that they won't sack me. Some of my friends tell me 'why would they do that?' Maybe they are right. I know I wouldn't do that to someone, but you never know. It's been done in this town... Must have faith though, right...right? The sun is shinning and it's a beautiful day. I will show up as pr
Ok. I am having trouble again. I know. Sorry about the ups and downs. I am really trying to keep the chin up but today is really, really hard. How weird how yesterday all happened. I was all happy in the morning. I had a great night of sleep after my bike ride with the guys from work the night before. And the great talk with D about work... I felt like all was good. Then we got this news at work that the client was withholding payments on the house we were closed to finish working on. The site
the last time I was truly me? When I was two, I think. My mom told me I was a happy child. One time, when we moved to this new town, and on a new street. She said, the first thing I did is open up the door, run to the front of the porch, and shout: "Frrriiiiiiiieeennnnd, where are youuuuuu?" I think that was the true me. A child who was very friendly and outgoing. She said when we were at the store, she would sit me in the baby place, in the shopping cart, and roll me around as she was shopping
Alcohol, yes. And some drugs. Like a lot of folks out there, I have started fairly early. Say 15. At that time though, all around me, everybody was getting high and drunk. A lot. Comparatively, I was pretty tame. I was the girl taken the friends home safely. I was the girl not so comfortable getting high. And I am still that girl. But, Recently. I went to changes that were big. Seemed manageable, but were hard. I feel that I just let things happen to me in a way, especially about work situations
I spent the whole evening biking with 2 of the guys at work. It was pretty fun except for the fact that I 'biked'n hiked' the majority of the downhill... but they still invited me to go again on Friday. And I had a good discussion with one of the guys about our foreman who seems to be an a*hole on the outside, but I get the feeling now that he isn't. He's just being a 'Nails' [his nickname]. This made me realize that I still do have trust issues. Especially with bosses [authority figure hoooo].
Today, it crosses my mind just how grateful I am that I have friends. Many of them are here. They may not know it, but they give me a reason to care, a reason to keep going, even a reason to think about someone's problems other than mine, which is maybe the most valuable of all. There are times when you have to turn inward, but often, that can lead to isolation, anxiety, and hurtful thoughts that you can't verify. It can lead to anger, rage even, because it's harder to see the other side when
So when to the T yesterday. I cried again. Well, she did say changes could happen rapidly, which is good. And comforted me. Somehow though, I want her to be my coach like the other T was, but that's not how she works. She's more detached in a way. She said that her work with people is more on the short term. Then I was disappointed. Like 'oh, no! don't leave me now. It's not necessarily that I want to be in therapy for long, it's just that there seems to be a lack of follow up. She makes me rea
Okay, it's way past time that I update this sucker. Spent some time negotiating with my wife over the weekend about how we might settle the financial issues between us. The idea we came up with was for her to take the house, assume the mortgage, and take the risks and benefits of whether she can make a profit by selling it. She had done some preliminary research that made her think that she could assume the mortgage given some limited financial support from me. She wrote to me just now, saying
This one is moment number SEVEN. For some reason, I think number seven is my lucky number. This may be the key to most of my issues? Ah! This one will pack several events that I do not remember, but were related to me. I never felt like they were significant, but my T seems to think so. I told her about these, and she was looking like she found the grail. But to me, miss skepticality, I was like 'hello mombo-jumbo'. Maybe she knows something that I don't. but unfortunately or fortunately, she'll
This is moment number SIX. The mountain bike accident. Note: hum, there's a bit of blood involved here, so if you're faint of heart. don't read on please. When I was nineteen, I got into mountain biking a bit more. My brother was into it, and he was a road biker as well. I was road biking a lot, going to school and back. 100k a week... I loved it so mtn biking was the next cool thing to try. I got the old bike of my brother [funny, cus he's my younger brother]. It was too big for me, but I di
