In an effort to make some changes, I have been searching high and low for things I can do to help myself. On the net and in books and reflecting and all that. When people write about 'dependent personality disorder', most of the time it's about symptoms and not much else. Cognitive Therapy is mentioned, which is basically relearning a set of skills [..] but they may not go in details on this, of course. So for the people who want to take it into their own hands [shockingly] to improve their qual
My Mama's funeral was today. I am so sorry she is gone, but glad this day is over. Had I the courage to speak at her funeral this is what I would have said.... Being her only daughter I was often spoiled by her generosity. The irony was that being spoiled by her love left me with little knowledge of how to handle the complications in life. You see, she always appreciated the little things in life. She taught that it is better to give than to receive and to never ask anything in return. Mama lov
I spent a few days again with my best friend R and her boyfriend, and I noticed a few things. First, I have difficulty liking him now and I think I know several reason why. But it is incredibly interesting as somethings that I do not like in him, I feel like I behave somewhat similarly in love, in life. Poor ol D is very 'in love' with my friend. Sometimes, I feel like it's close to worship. She is a confident woman, she does what she has to do to meet her goals, her day to day things to do...Sh
This is the first exercise that my therapist asked me to do. I have been thinking about it for two weeks now, and I am going to start writing down what are my basic needs, the bonuses - stuff that isn't essential but would be great, and my dreams [how to fulfill them]. I guess, one key thing she mentioned is to try and be specific [how long, how often..] Basic Needs: 1] 8-9 h sleep 2] 6 glasses of water/day 3] 30-45min of physical activity, 5d/week 4] A safe, clean, comfy place to live 5] Love,
It's close to 3am and my mind won't slow down. This may sound strange but what helps a person whom has lost their traditional faith. I lost my brother last October and nothing eases my sou. Such searing pain runs straight to my heart. it is forever broken and nothing will ever be the same..I think humans have to come back until we reach a certain level, then we are done. We are all energy that never dies. I hope their is no heartache then. I'm so bummed.
Well, I guess my bike is looking at me like a young pup eager for a walk, it's beautiful here, bike ride it is. It does help me get the moods sorted out a bit, get out of the head and into the body.
Argh, so there it is for you my friends. I feel regrets, regrets, and huhg, anxiety. So, in an effort of being accepted by my all guys co-worker, that get beers, hum 'almost' after work, onece the foreman is gone [he works shorter days, for 5 days, instead of 4 longer days like the rest of the crew], yesterday, for my final day of week one, I offered to go get the beers. Bad, bad, bad! On the clock, yes that's right:eek:. AND, we are not supposed to drink at work! Hum , so much for saying I woul
Okay, I've been plumbing the depths enough lately. (Interesting word, in this context, "plumbing".) I think I'll take a bit of a break for an extended bout of moodiness. WHINE! There. Now I feel better. Kinda.
I had parents that were alcoholics, my mom a diagnose schizophrenic sociopathic. One of the dangerous types. My dad abused us sexually. My mom hated sex and if it can be passed to someone, even her own children then consider it done. My Dad became ill, terminal throat cancer and started to waist away. My mom drags home a new boyfriend who is also an offender. My mom was so very violent and the fights were life threatening. Day after x-mas I turned 16, we lived in the country and all 5 of us kids
I seem to be circling some kind of breakthrough, this past week or so. I've often felt divided internally. Not dissociated into separate personalities, really. Just that I have parts that are specialized for different things. The most obvious part, to the outside world, is the censor, who's responsible for my writing emerging in full sentences the way it does. There's also quite a bit of contained anger, and a childlike being that's just silly (the censor allows him to express himself in pu
To an engineer, positive feedback is dangerous: there's no limit to how big a value you can get, if there is only positive feedback. Everyone knows that squealing noise you get when you talk into a microphone that's too close to its loudspeaker; that's due to unlimited positive feedback. I also grew up thinking positive feedback was dangerous. I was worried about unlimited growth of my ego; that if I didn't focus on keeping my ego in check, "natural pride" or something would just keep infla
So, okay, having established that balance is a good thing, you might be tempted to ask, well, how are you doing in achieving it? Not that well. I've always been known as a better preacher than practitioner. I've been finding it particularly difficult to establish a direction for my life, since I'm at a place where I have the opportunity to make a new choice. What I don't seem to be able to do is to identify what I want. I mean, I had my life set up a certain way when I was single. I lived al
Equilibrium, another word for "balance" according to the thesaurus (literally, "word dinosaur". No, really.) An example of equilibrium comes from chemistry, where most chemical reactions are believed to go both ways. For instance, if substance A and substance B react to form substance C, then it is also true that C breaks down into A and B. If you let the reaction proceed to equilibrium, then take away some of the C, then more A and B will combine to restore the balance. Many of my posts rec
Well, after all this anxiety, and all, I actually did get the job. I was on my way to the next town to continue the job search and not letting my mistake get to me, and, not only one employer, but 2, called me back, first the job I really wanted, which just made me go wooohoooo! and then the other one, but I had to tell the lady I already got a job. I am so stoked and thank all the great, great help I got here from Star mainly and from Malign too, all the support that really encouraged me to not
TRying to understand what just happened to me... This is a note to self as to why it is in reality a difficult question to answer in real life, but in an interview, you have to give a straight shooter answer... And since I over-analyze a lot of things, as we know, I tend to do it in the wrong situations as well! Like in a freakin' interview But, as the semi-intellectual person that I am, I need to make sense of this and here is why it is not an actual easy issue! Especially when you deal with o
WTF! So, I went for 2 interviews this morning and one seemed to have gone very well, and then the other, I kind of got all nervous and didn't understand the question and was a bit spinning my wheels! it's the second time it happens to me with that question! It's extremely weird, I don't know why I answered so poorly... Anyway, here how it went: The girl was asking what I would do if someone asked me to do an unethical thing at work! And I answered, good at first, I said I would ask for details a
Well, I messed with the colors on my YinYang. Just for silliness. I think I was getting a bit tired of straight black-and-white. While I strongly believe the idea that every person is a mixture of masculine and feminine traits, seeing them as black and white has always bugged me. First, I don't really see masculine and feminine as such polar opposites. Second, those forces mix inside us; they don't stay separate. I could have used shades of gray, but I thought using the pink and blue of W
I know refuse to stay like this, however, I have never accepted it, until now :eek: and pretty much 'lied' to myself and others to a certain extent, pretending that I was an 'independent' person, but the reality is different. When I am in a relationship, I appear to function [at least, from an outsider's perspective], but it is mostly, I think, or thought [more on this later] with the encouragement/help/attention of my partner... I know I may expect to much from myself, but I will find a balance
So I went to the therapist. Only problem, is she can only see me during the day time?! Hum, what if you have a f* job? Sigh. Anyway, we'll cross that bring when we get there... For now, I have homework.
I once threatened to do an entry about my hospital stay, and someone asked me about it, so I thought I would finally do it. The first thing I want to say is that my experience will be in no way typical. I went in for a specific problem that is probably different from anyone else's, I went to a specific hospital whose treatment program is probably different from anywhere else's, and I encountered a group of fellow patients who are probably different from anywhere else, and who came and went at r
As I was sending resume this morn, it sort of made me feel better about myself. That I could find the energy to do so, and not be too afraid... I was crying again last night, over C_ again, reflecting on how so not assertive and having no freakin boundaries, and after reading how, you know, what is attractive to guys my age is a woman who is proactive and takes care of herself and gets things done. All area where I lack... I mean I am not that bad but, there is areas where I am not where I want
