Only a few days til my mom's birthday. That's why me and my daughter are staying over their place. She's turning 64. I just remembered the Beatles' song, "When I'm 64." But she doesn't need to worry. She's very much loved, and needed by everyone. On Sunday, my husband will be joining us for a get together, and hopefully his sister too. Then we'll be returning home. Baby Girl is having the time of her life here. But she and I will be coming back to reality soon. Back to our unfinished, cl
I hate work soooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh I just hate it. and I hate customers. They're so rude:mad: and they make me really really mad but I have to pretend that they don't make me mad and act nice and friendly when really I just want to scream:mad::mad:
Well, it's about 4 in the morning right now, and I couldn't sleep any longer so I decided to update my profile here and enter my blog as well. I am currently staying over with my daughter at my parents' house. My mother's birthday is coming up in a few days. My husband is joining us here that day to celebrate, and then we'll be going back home with him. Joe (not his real name) seems better now. A month ago he told me he was seeing weird things happening around the house, something that real
Wow. As soon my brain has somehow decided that I like a guy, it automatically goes into some sort of negative state of mind including jealousy. Y and I spent a beautiful evening Saturday. He cooked a great dinner for me, he brought me to his secret 'alone' location by the river... I stayed at his place. I wanted to stay because I hadn't seen him in a week and wanted to get closer to him. We only kissed once before that. Maybe it was a bad decision. Not that anything 'happened' except talking, k
Well, since you've asked Malign... I am doing well all in all. Not too high not low. Just good. It seems. Went on a lil trip with my girl friend. that was good for the most part. I mean, I had to listen to a lot of her relationship problems. And how she loves her bf, which I still think is a 'douche'. I had a few bouts of anxiety. From feeling like I am not doing what I should. Which is actively look for a job I can do with the arm in a sling. And I thought a whole lot more than I wish I had
Oh, yeah, so no one worries: I'll be off the computer 'til Tuesday, for the Fourth of July holiday. I promise to read everything y'all write when I get back, only, maybe slowly. So take it easy, or I'll have too much reading to do. :-)
Too much has happened since I last posted. My dog died, half in my arms late into the night on May 25th. He was suffering and absolutely nothing could be done for him so I had to sign to put him down My moods are still cycling a couple of times a week. Last week I managed to have 5 normal days in a row but still no desire to go out. I have to force myself. I keep seeing and hearing things. Now it happens even when I'm in or close to a normal state. Pdoc now says I have Bipolar NOS with Ps
Everything's horrible today. Yesterday wasn't so bad and everything felt ok and nearly normal. I keep hearing noises and seeing things moving that shouldn't be moving and it's really freaking me out. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. I woke up screaming last night because my door opened on it's own - dunno whether it was a dream or not. I think I'm going crazy.. I don't know whether these things are actually happening or not. I hate this feeling. and I know that everyone else i
I hate that word, "emo", or rather the feeling that goes with it, that it's somehow bad to feel. Or to let others see you do it. But I'm sorry, part of me has bought into it: I try not to talk about my own problems, until they get so bad that what I do write sounds like a fish flopping around in distress. *Groucho Marx voice* "And it's tough getting a fish into dis dress, lemme tell ya!" I need to paint a mustache over my mustache, like he did, and get a cigar. Maybe somebody would pay me t
I'm so tired. I can fight off panic attacks; I know what they are and what to do about them. But you still feel the edges of them, and it is a fight, and there's nowhere to go to get away from them. I need the world to go away. I pray I don't get forced to make it go away.
Ok so I learned that I will be in a sling for the rest of the summer, which is somewhat disturbing. But I know there's much worst than my situation. Now I need to find out what I can do to occupy myself, and to earn some doh somehow. It's a little distressing. But I don't want to get all down and bored and feel isolated, out of control and on the verge of not having something to eat. I don't want to have other people having to 'take care of me' in the financial way. Especially right now. I kno
Ooooh I'm so tired of being alive and nothing makes me feel better anymore not even drink. I just want to sleep forever and eveer and ever,. and then I want to fly away and be freee!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then I want a family who wants me. and I want a hug aswel. I like hugs, I'll soooo regret this in the morningg. Don't think I'll ever be able to change. the feeling is too deep inside me. :mad::confused::eek:
So, as we know, I am the ultimate critic and skeptic. It's pretty hard to convince me of something if I have decided it's 'stupid'. Luckily, lately, and since I have talked to my T about what I need from her, she's been much harsher with me ... Ok, I don't mean she's been treating me bad, but she's been rattling my cage pretty good. I said, you know, I am hard to convince, I don't mean any disrespect, but for me to get into something, I have to know that it's not bull crap. She listened to me fo
So now I am going to post a lil about what up. So in the past few days I;ve been sitting and thinking a lot, which is ok. My mood isn't bad. good. My shoulder. Mmmm not so good, but that ok. I'e been doing some things, but mostly sitting here writing and contemplating. Sitting on my porch door and watching my roomy come in and out, doing things, as I do, well not much. smoking cigarettes and stuff. argh. can;t wait till I kick this addiction. now I'm gonna see if I can go to the gym. I've be
Helplessness, or as they say in the industry 'learned' helplessness, is "a perceived absence of control over a situation." In a series of experiments, the American psychologist Martin Seligman established a link between perceived helplessness and clinical depression. I won't go in details here, but it's pretty interesting how he came to these conclusions. I would really suggest the book that he wrote, which not only explains his theories in detail, but offers the reader ways to counter act learn
I wish summer would be over................ I have way too much free time for my own good. It really sucks being stuck at home everyday. My mother feels the need to constantly criticize everything I do and it sucks the energy out of me. Everything is so black and white and negative..and everything I do is wrong. and it's only june... I don't think I can survive 3 more months of this.
More notes. Comments very welcome. Please and thank you As I have mentioned before, emotions come and go. They are in no way a permanent state of mind. They last from a few seconds, to a few minutes. They are natural internal cues that something feels good or something feels bad, depending on outside triggers. They are there for us to keep us on track. To tell us to take a decision, take action. Basic Emotions. Of course there's all sort of theories and classifications of emotions: basic, comp
This is part of some reflections I am putting together for myself, In order to comprehend where my moods come from, and more importantly, how I can train myself to choose a positive mood to be in, and function. So, here is what I have found about rumination. I do it a lot... and it is a crippling habit that compound the problem of depression. But there's ways out of it.... What is rumination: Here is what I have found: It means obsessing about problems, about a loss, about any kind of a setback
This is a "note to self' again, but you are more than welcome to comment... Depression and anxiety, is in many ways a form of 'anger' that is basically turn inwards, at self, for lack of knowing what to do anymore, how to fix things, to avoid Fear and sadness. It's like the 'good kid' s syndrome: -so, I am not allowed to be angry at others. I've tried and tried to walk on eggshells, fix things around me, but nothing works and my situation is still 'not happy', so the problem must be me. On the
One thing I hate about being at home is the fact that my "family" seem to get some sort of amusement out of hurting me and making me feel bad. I HATE it. I don't know how I'm going to get through this summer. it sucks. There's this one thing they do to get to me where they talk to each other about me, even though I'm in the room, and they refer to me as "she". They say stuff like "Oh , that one's good for nothing and She has no future ahead of her" blah blah blah. I usually try ignore this and
So I couldn't wait anymore. The doc that originally saw me for the rotator cuff thing wasn't available until tomorrow but I just wnated to know. so I went and see another doc. she was saying the same thing, but I said NO, I want an x-ray. Well, I have a fracture. on the top of my humerus, where some ligament attaches. argh. should have been less amiable and said that from the start... I went to the doc again after the xray, and she was like 'well, that's a surprise! you must have a very high to
